I never cease to be amazed at just how much God teaches me through my children. I know that God would have found other ways to teach me lessons if I had not had kids but the richness it adds to my life to learn so many life lessons from them and through them is incredible. To date one of the richest lessons I have learned from my girls is about control and how I don't have it. No matter how much I worry or become anxious about things I am continually reminded that I am not in control. Having experienced postpartum anxiety and depression and just the over all experience of parenting has forced me to confront my struggles with worry and anxiety. Above all other parenting goals I have for my kids it is my desire that they would understand that the chief end of man is to glorify God. I say this to them and myself over and over again because I want them to understand that there is no greater goal and accomplishment in this world than to glorify God in all that we do.
Tomorrow is a big day for me, I'm not sure it is a big deal for anyone else in our house but it is for me. Tomorrow I register Lydia for kindergarten. I think there must be something wrong with the calendar because there is no way that she is that old but I have been assured that she is indeed that age already. It seems like such a short time ago that I found out I was pregnant and now she is entering school. I never once considered anything but public school for our girls until this last fall when I knew it was the last full year I would be spending with my firstborn. I spent a great deal of time praying and talking to others and though Justin thought I was a bit off my rocker for even considering homeschooling he prayed with me and let me talk about it. In the end I believe we are making the right decision for our family by enrolling Lydia in public school but it does not come without a great deal of concern and fear for me.
I was listening to a teaching by Erwin McManus earlier this week and he had a quote that really resonated with me. He said that "Courage is not the absence of fear, it is the absence of self." I am freely admitting that I am struggling with the fear of releasing Lydia to the world. I know that she is not mine, she belongs to God, but I still have been given the responsibility to raise her and that is not a task I take lightly. I have spent the last 4 1/2 year shaping, molding and pouring into her life because I believe so much in the importance of the first foundational years but now I am releasing my grip on her. Up to this point I have been the most influential person in her life and to give even a little bit of that away to a teacher and her peers is pretty scary to me. Through the midst of this I have to understand that God is in control and though I may be struggling with fear I know that the courageous thing to do is to step out of the way and let God do what only He can do. I need not to look at myself but to look at Him and His goodness and trust that He is working in Lydia's life.
I know there will be many other situations I will face as a mother that send me to my knees in prayer and there will be times that I can't see what God is doing in my life or the lives of my children but I want so badly to remember in those times that it is God who is in control and that my selfishness and desire for life to turn out the way I have planned is not what God wants. I want to be courageous despite my fears by releasing to God my wants and desires and exchange them for His perfect and pleasing will. God is good and I know He will accomplish a good work in Lydia's life.
BTW, if I wrote this long a post about kindergarten registration you better watch out for the first day of school!