Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Coming Clean

My last two posts have alluded to the fact that something in my life is not quite on track and that is true. I feel like I need to come clean about what that is.  At the beginning of the year when I embarked on reading the Bible in 90 days I was excited to see what God would teach me. 9 months later I am still trying to learn and apply the lessons God began during that process.  God is graciously teaching me how to trust Him and to let go of the bondage I so often choose to live in.

I am currently working through (quite slowly I might add) Breaking Free by Beth Moore.  In the first week she described bondage as being preoccupied by destructive thought processes.  When I hear that definition I resonate with it because I know I am living in bondage.  The question you may have is what am I in bondage to? One word won't really answer your question but I feel the need to confess I have an eating disorder.  For most of my adult life I easily have said "I HAD an eating disorder" and I walked in security that it was indeed behind me.  Over the last year and maybe more, my preoccupation with food has become very destructive.  It is so easy for me to hide, justify or dismiss but I feel that I just need to come clean about it.  Shame, guilt, fear, self-condemnation and all those other negative emotions have kept me down and I am sick of it! I want FREEDOM! The same freedom that Christ died to give me, I want it.  I mean, I really want it. I want it so bad that I can no longer stay where I am at and be satisfied. 

When I went through postpartum depression I know that the single most helpful thing I did was to admit that I was struggling.  By confessing, seeking help and sharing my struggle I was able to begin the healing process and find the freedom that God desired in my life.  I believe this confession will do much the same for me.  I don't want to hide and I know that I am not alone in my struggles even if you don't struggle with the exact same issues. I don't want to reinvent this part of my life.  I want to fall face down before my God and become the new creation I know He has already made me.  Christ's death on the cross has already provided everything I need and He is more than able to lead me into freedom I just need to be obedient and follow hard after Him. 

There is a lot of work God wants to do in my life and I need to be obedient to cooperate with His work.  That is what is going on in my life.  I know it is raw, ugly and maybe a bit to much for you to take in (if you are still reading) but it is where I am at. I want freedom and conventional ways have not worked for me, I can only cling to my Savior and follow Him. This really is a journey to freedom and though there are many parts of my life that are going great this is where I need to camp out for awhile.  I know that God has much in store for not only my life but for yours as well.  Blessings!


2 comments:

Maria said...

Megan, u are a strong woman of God and I know He will deliver u as u continue to seek Him and rest in His love for u. Praying for u, friend, and u please pray for me! U know full well u are not alone in this bondage thing! Love u!

Jodi McKenna said...

Wow. I hear you. Your post makes me want to revisit this workbook. I had the book . . . but I think the workbook would be eyeopening. I wonder if we should consider doing an online Bible Study of this . . hmmmm....thanks so much for sharing!!! It resonated with me -- having also suffered from PPD.