"Don't you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Does this mean nothing to you? Can't you see that his kindness is intended to turn you from your sin?" Romans 2:4 NLT
God is so incredibly kind to me. His kindness and faithfulness to me surpasses anything I can comprehend. He is more gracious and patient with me than I deserve. I truly believe God has me in a sweet spot right now, though I have to admit that sweet spot is proving very painful for me. I feel I have reached the point where continuing on would be more painful than staying where I am but that doesn't mean I want to face the pain right now. Still somehow I know God wants me to grow through the pain.
In my last post I talked about how I am pretty good at reinventing myself. If I just try hard enough and apply the right principles it seems as if everything will fall into place. This is a lie. No amount of effort on my own behalf will ever be enough to give me the results I long for. I want to experience real freedom, just as God desires me to have yet I often feel I sabotage myself and stop short of experiencing the kind of freedom Christ died to give me.
This morning our church started a series about being Courageous. The 3 key questions were: 1. Will we be strong and very courageous? 2. Will we put our trust in God? 3. Will we live out our convictions? I was particularly challenged by the second question, will I put my trust in God? It may seem unusual that as a professing believer who desires to see all people to place their faith in the saving work Jesus Christ did on the cross would not have trust issues herself but God keeps bringing to the forefront of my mind that I do indeed have trust issues. If I trust God with 99% of my life but do not release that last 1% then I obviously have trust issues.
It is hard to admit but I am still trying to cling and grasp control in one particular area in my life. Truth is, it isn't working. For all my grasping and trying to control I am out of control and less at peace than I should be or want to be. That is what leads me here. To this point. The place where true freedom and peace are on the horizon. But I need to trust, believe, give up control. I need to leap and allow God to catch me. I want freedom so bad I can taste it. I want to get outside of my own head in order to worship and serve God with a higher degree of surrender and purpose. God is so kind to bring me to this point and I am writing about it for anyone who reads to know about it. Keeping it to myself, journaling to myself, and all the other ways that I have tried to reinvent myself in this area ARE NOT WORKING! When Christ was on earth He was anything but conventional in the company He kept and the methods He used to teach, heal and draw people to Himself. Conventional isn't working for me therefore I am proceeding in the unconventional.
I am sharing myself and my struggles with you so that together we can celebrate the glorious way He makes all things new and how trustworthy He really is. I will share more specifics as time goes on but to those handful of regular readers I have I want you to know things are going to be different for a little while. It's just where I am at right now.
And as a side note for anyone who has been reading for a really, really long time (THANKS!) during communion today the song being played in the background was I Surrender All. Truly God is good and I am praying that I have ears to hear and a heart to apply what He wants to teach me. Blessings!