Horror and shame came over me immediately upon hearing about a new Bible study that the women's ministry at our church is starting in January. You may wonder why horror and shame may accompany anything that has to do with studying the Bible, well, let me tell you. When you have walked the road as long as I have with food issues, shame and defeat tag along with you quite often. A few months ago I mention to some close friends and then on my blog that I felt completely defeated in the area of surrendering food to God. I felt completely out of control and completely unable to move forward. So, I have been going back to resources that have proven very beneficial to me and supply me with an ample amount of God's Word, love and grace. I am on the freedom trail....but I am not there yet. I have not arrived at freedom from my serious need to control.
So when I heard that a study using the very same material that I have found to be instrumental in my life in dealing with the very spiritual aspects of food you would think I would be excited. Instead I was upset and mortified. I have had this information in my life for over 10 years and yet I haven't found my way out of the muck and mire. I still have not let God lead me into the truth of all that He has for me. My immediate thoughts went to how mortifying it is to admit to having sound biblical truth in your life yet not consistently applying what you know. In my case it may even be magnified because the principles of living the Christian life are not only things I know but that I also teach. Could I really believe that I have any ability to believe that things could be different? If it hasn't happened in 10 years is it ever going to happen?
It didn't take long for me to feel God prompting me to reflect more on what I was feeling. Shame and fear are very different feelings than Godly conviction. I am willing to confess my sins in this area and I admit I need help in learning how to repent and turn from my sin. My desire to run and hide from the people leading this study kicked into full gear and that is never a good thing. My mask needed to come down and I needed to deal with the emotional upheaval of being able to admit that I still struggle and still need help.
I called the leader (who already knew of the struggle from past conversations) and I just said how awful it makes me feel that I have known for so long what to do but still after all this time struggle to do it. She was very encouraging and as we talked further I began to realize how much victory I actually do have in areas I had forgotten. I believe we all as humans have very short memories or that at least our memories fade quickly when it comes to blessings and victories in our lives. We have to consciously apply our minds and hearts to remember what God has done for us, in us and through us. As we were talking the Lord encouraged my spirit to remember that I am not the same woman I was 10 years ago and He has given me consistent victory in certain areas of my life. I found great encouragement in naming things, in giving utterance to the ways God has been faithful, gracious and loving in tangible ways in my life. I am victorious because God has made it so through the death of His one and only Son.
My encouragement to you is to remember. Take time to name the things you know that God has done for you, in you and through you. There is no better way to rest assured in God's loving faithfulness than to look back upon His loving faithfulness. God is good and if we let our current circumstances prevent us from seeing His past provisions we truly are blind.
Lord, open my eyes to see You. To see how you have loved unconditionally, given generously and provided skilfully all that I have and need. You are a God who is able to do immeasurably more than all I could ask or imagine and I want to see You for Who You are. Thank You God! Amen.