I have never liked change. In fact, that is putting it mildly. I often avoid change with every fiber of my being. I avoid change because change always requires something of me. Change requires me to; self examine, tear down masks, forgive, confess, repent, humble myself, acknowledge my neediness, and well...you get the idea. Change requires me to adapt, surrender and trust. All of these things are difficult and all of them require something more than I can give. In order for me to change I must recognize I am actually incapable of change and need help from the only One who can change me, God.
Over the past year I feel as though I have been on an emotional roller coaster. When I began reading the Bible in 90 days in January of 2011 I had no idea just how much God wanted to get hold of me and change me. I simply wanted to gain a better understanding of His Word but He wanted to take me on a life transforming journey with many difficult personal revelations. During the past year nothing tragic or life altering has happened in my life circumstances. Our family has been healthy, our needs have been provided for, no crisis to speak of. However, there have been many painful personal and spiritual experiences where God has torn down idols and strongholds in my life. Quite frankly I have felt very raw, exposed and vulnerable many times.
I have wanted to hide, escape, control, deny or justify so many times, and plenty of times I have done just that. I feel like some of the things God has revealed to me about me made life worse before they got better and sometimes I am still not sure I have yet reached the better side of the issues. I have gained a better understanding of who God is and I know of His abundant love for me. He desires to be in a continual and intimate relationship with me. I can never out run His love and I am never turned away when I come to Him yet again. I am grateful for what God has done and is doing in my life and I am glad that a God I have known my whole life can still catch me by surprise and lead me to places I had no idea I needed to go.
So, have my thoughts and feelings about change been thrown by the wayside? Not really. I still cower at how hard it is to actually change. Sometimes I just like to think I am in control and that as long as I continue to do what I am doing life will be ok. But God is teaching me that He is the One who is in control. I know that He has given me my very breath so what business do I have withholding my life from Him? I want to live a life of surrender and freedom. The biggest and best change that could ever happen to me already took place in me when I placed my faith in Christ as my Savior. Becoming that change is the process of the rest of my life.
So, here I sit, typing about change and praying the truth of God's Word being confident that He will complete the good work He began in me. (Phil. 1:6)